So I’m afraid today isn’t a good day and it probably isn’t a good time to be blogging but I thought it would be a good insight into the dark void that’s happening right now. Sadly it’s never always sunny,there’s always a storm at some point…
So as you know I’ve started back on medication. It’s not an easy process to say the least but I’m trying to remain positive about it all but it’s all beginning to become impossible. That’s the hard thing about mental health and antidepressants, you have to wait months for them to flood your system with the drugs to keep your mind at a happy level but until then your left to pick up the pieces of shit moods and shit side effects. It’s frustrating for me as I’ve been on near enough every antidepressant since I was twelve and dabbled with other medication like diazepam so you’d think I’d be a pro at this now wouldn’t you? But that’s not the case…
Today has felt like the world is against me and it’s felt like my mind is trying to rip me apart bit by bit. I can’t even explain it fully because I don’t fully understand it myself and it’s SO hard to put the dark void and madness into words. It feels like you’re a bird trapped in a cage with one way out but there’s obstacles blocking you and taunting you at every turn.
I woke up feeling scared of everything and anything. I felt trapped inside my own body as I didn’t have the energy to even get out of bed because I could feel the medication pumping inside my brain. I know that sounds weird and in a way it is ,but you honestly do get this weird feeling rushing through your body. It’s so strange because along with that I feel so alone even though I know I have great friends and support around me. I feel that I’m in the way if people and feel on edge around them as if I’m an issue to them. It’s ridiculous because deep down I know I shouldn’t feel like that but I can’t stop my head feeling this way.
The medication has gave me a few big highs which is good and bad, but I feel rather numb lately. It’s put me into a zombie state of flatness and insecurity which isn’t a great mix. There’s only so much you can do to get rid of the feelings for a short amount of time and then after that it’s back to the void.
This journey seems never ending at the minute with no hope of the borderline going away. But that’s the thing about being borderline, it likes to creep up on you at every given chance and causes past event to haunt you. I’m trying to remain positive and I apologise for the negativity in this post but i thought it’s better to talk about the negative because sadly life isn’t all sunshine and happiness.
I can promise you that within an hour or even tomorrow my mood will be better. That’s the hardest part of it all…the moods are tiring and never stop.
Please never feel alone and feel like you have to go through the this journey alone, we can beat this
Like always if you have any questions or suggestions for posts please feel free to comment or contact me
Never give up hope
Love Shannon xx