So this is a big step for me…I wanted to show/tell you what my illness looks and feels like.
Having borderline personality disorder is living hell. It tries to control my every day life and actions as well as contradicting every decision I make. Imagine having two little people on your shoulder that have different views of each other and things, then add the fact that they talk to you at the same time and try to compete against each other for your attention. Its like that whole angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other I guess. For me I also have a mind that feels like instead of being an organised factory of thoughts its more like a smoked up factory where the thoughts are rumbled around and have no order so come and go when ever they like. When you add that to the contradicting shoulder friends you can imagine how much of a blag it can be. It’s hard to explain so I hope them slight metaphors help a bit for you to dive into to the world of my mind.
There’s also a lot of physical things that happen behind the scenes. This may sound silly to some because ‘mental health is to do with your mind, its invisible’, well although it is invisible and to do with the mind it also comes with a lot of physical problems. There’s weight loss and weight gain for some people to being run down plus more.
When it comes to the moods well,I don’t even know where to begin . Due to them being so up and down/low and high it can be so mentally and physically draining. You can be relatively happy for an hour lets say then all of a sudden the low mood comes and it hits like a tonne of bricks. It can take you to levels of depression and darkness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s hell.
The constant change and dips in mood drains you of energy and can make you bed ridden due to it all. Its harder when you have the added ‘black dog’ a.k.a depression along side bpd because again, it hits harder and doesn’t care for any one around you but focuses on stripping every last part of happiness and self esteem away from you.
For most of us there’s trauma behind the illness so we have the struggle of trying to push the negativity memories and flashbacks away. Sadly it doesn’t often work so we can get flashbacks of things that feel like there on a film reel on repeat in our minds that you cant press the stop button you just have to ride it out. Its not easy trust me. This effects not just us but people around us. Due to trauma and the illness it feels as if your mind has been rewired differently. For me it makes it hard for me to trust people or let people into my life. I have abandonment issues that are always flash red alarms whenever I make friends or even with the friends and family I have still. This is why my circle is small and why I don’t contact people as much as I should because the fear is too strong half the time and feels like its choking me and repeating all my bad childhood memories to me to warn me off.
There’s more to it all but that would make this a novel so ill leave it at this for now and put a link to the syptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Although its hard, I turn it into a positive. Life throws obstacles at everyone at some point in their life no matter how big or small. This obstacle is a big one and it gets thrown at me all the time but in the end…I don’t give up hope and it makes me stronger.
Although my journey is still going and i’m still trying to recover, i’m still slowly kicking mental health’s ass.
Remember never give up hope